CRYPTIC PILOT
Written by Adam Hoffman
Episode One: “The Maples”
CHARACTERS:
Cole Kurtz
Julie Kurtz
Robert G.
Zev in Zanesville
Sid
Waitress
Alastair Kurtz
Introduction
Narrator:
Take it all in: captivating Geauga County, Ohio. The people, the landscape---this is the life.
Except that thing we don’t talk about. It’s all about the bonds we have with the land, our
families, the snuffling nightmare that is rooting through our garbage cans. Geauga County:
where the scenery is as unmatched as the human heart….or the face (can you call it a face?) of
the monstrosity peering through the window… You’re listening to, Cryptic.
SCENE 1
The theme song of the show. voices fading
in, becoming louder. COLE and JULIE, brother and sister. This is their podcast:
Cryptic. THEY have a bright, radio friendly sound. Upbeat. Positive.
COLE:
And I think we can all be relieved it was just a black bear wandering over from
Pennsylvania.
JULIE:
With the mange.
COLE:
The mange. Lots of bears out there with the mange, apparently.
JULIE:
If you believe the mainstream media. ( pause) Which I do. I completely trust our
journalist brothers and sisters.
COLE:
Absolutely. Lots of props to those guys.
JULIE:
But still suspicious. So much mange...Bears, just stop it. You’re confusing people.
COLE:
I should add I trust the Summit County Humane Society to tell us the truth. Wouldn’t
you?
JULIE:
And they’ve got so many dogs and cats that need good homes. Gentle listeners, do the
right thing: get a rescue pet. Hey, what happened to the bear?
COLE:
Um, apparently…. put down, Julie.
JULIE:
Oh. That’s….huh. Too bad. Too bad for the bear, especially.
COLE:
So, sorry Ed from Silver Lakes, no Bigfoot wandering around the North Akron area. It’s
a disappointment to us all.
And a reminder to all you constant listeners that our regional Bigfoot is the Grassman,
an unfortunate name for such a magnificent creature.
JULIE:
Correction: hypothetically magnificent.
COLE:
Hypothetically, yes. But hope of documentation or capture remain high. And for all you
folks who missed the first minute or so of the podcast, a grateful hello to our returning
Julie, back from her two year sabbatical in Chicago.
JULIE:
Hi-ho, everybody.
COLE:
And, for our listeners, how was the Windy City?
JULIE:
Windy.
COLE:
Anything….else? Any paranormal phenomenon discovered?
JULIE:
Not so much. No.
COLE:
….Ok. …You ready Chuck?
A chime is heard
Chuck:
Well, it’s that time. That time to read the suggestions that you, our gentle listeners,
have sent us.
JULIE:
Where to go. What to check out. What to run screaming away from. Kidding. That
never happens.
THEY both laugh, unconvincingly.
COLE:
No, never… I’ve got one here from Taylor W in Mentor, saying that there is a huge jellyfish or as she
puts it “ a freaking big jellyfish” swimming near Mentor Headlands, near good old Lake
Erie. So keep your eyes open.
JULIE:
Next up a voicemail from Robert G in Carrollton.
COLE:
And Robert G. called the Cryptic Hotline just like you can do, and he dialed that number at 330-422-3839
Robert G, you might remember, gave us some real solid leads on the UFO sightings
back in July.
There is a short beep.
ROBERT G:
Hey, Robert here. Long time listener, frequent contributor, all the way back to when I
listened to your daddy on the radio, I hear Julie’s coming back, which is great ‘cause I
was getting tired of your droning voice, Cole. Kidding. You guys are both great.
Especially that smokey Julie voice...Anyhoo, if you got the time you should head on
down here. I found three deer on my property and they’re all albinos. Albinos. You
know what that means. It’s ‘bout as strange as I’ve even seen and boy does it get
strange out here. There was this one time when this possum got stuck in….
We hear another short beep.
JULIE:
And it ends there. OK, just to be clear we’re not really biologists, so not sure what could
be causing that. What do you think, Cole?
COLE:
Blame it on Mother Nature.
JULIE:
Mother Nature takes the fall again.
COLE:
What else do we have here. Another text about the Mothman, guys how many times
have I told….
Music begins to fade out of the podcast and into a car. JULIE and COLE are
driving, with JULIE at the wheel. COLE sings.
SCENE 2
COLE: (to the tune of “Shortnin’ Bread”)
Daddy’s little boy got pancakes pancakes,Daddy’s little boy got pancakes now.
Daddy’s little boy got….
JULIE:
Cole, please.
COLE continues to sing the song softly.
JULIE:
I’ll smack you. You know I will.
COLE:
What? You don’t remember that song?
JULIE:
The maple syrup song? I haven’t heard it in, probably literally decades.
COLE:
I thought it was the pancake song.
JULIE:
Maple syrup.
COLE:
Ahhh, you’re probably right… I’ll have to make some for the wife and kids.
JULIE:
What? Maple syrup?
COLE:
Pancakes. Sis, are you even paying attention?
JULIE:
Driving here.
It’s beautiful out. The leaves. The roads winding with little hills. Pretty houses...I must
say, I missed this at least.
COLE:
Are you sure you’re up for this?
JULIE:
You have to get back in the saddle as soon as possible. Two years is two years.
Gotta….re-aclimate myself.
COLE:
So nothing whatsoever in Chicago?
JULIE:
What’s the number now?
COLE:
Two hundred fifteen.
JULIE:
That’s high. You’ve been busy. Dad was busy, I guess.
COLE:
Yeah.
JULIE:
That’s like a small high school.
COLE:
I know. ( a beat) You feeling okay?
JULIE:
Yeah, I’m tired is all.
COLE:
Well,....
JULIE:
Don’t say it.
COLE:
You’re looking a bit…
BOTH:
Rough.
JULIE:
Yeah, I know it. And notice I didn’t mention your stubble or shlubby clothes. Tact, Cole,
tact.
COLE:
Sorry. ( a beat) We’ve been up here before. A long time ago.
JULIE:
Yeah.
COLE:
Maple sugar festivals. Dad used to take us during the...
JULIE:
Let’s not talk about him right now.
COLE:
When then?
JULIE:
Later, geez, Cole, drop it. Too soon.
COLE:
Okay, sorry. Oh, Alan says “hi” by the way.
JULIE:
Great. How’s that brother from another mother doing? He left so quickly after the funeral.
COLE:
Yeah, you know how he is. He moved to Cleveland Heights. Into all kinds of kooky stuff.
JULIE:
Kooky...
JULIE:
This trip is going to ruin this area for us, isn’t it?
COLE:
“It only gets ruined if you let it get ruined. We’re close. “The Maples. 48000 Route 87.”
JULIE:
I’m sick of beautiful things getting ruined. We never know what will happen. . We
never know. And Chicago was nice. Nice. It was nice to be in a place where if you saw something lovely it wouldn’t get ruined by some awful….
COLE:
Watch the road.
The sound of the car swerving.
JULIE:
And things get ruined.
COLE:
You almost ruined my Corolla just now!
A pause.
COLE:
Alright, slow down you’re going to miss it. Kinsman Road.
JULIE:
I see it. Left or right?
COLE:
Let me check.
JULIE:
Cole, left or right?
COLE:
Give me a second.
JULIE:
LEFT OR…
COLE:
Right! Take a right!
A few beats.
JULIE:
Sorry.
COLE:
It’s fine, fine. I’m sorry.
JULIE:
I’m nervous. You know I get nervous with these things. It’s been awhile.
COLE:
I know.
COLE:
Slow down, slow down, it’s coming up on the left.
The car slows and stops.
JULIE:
We’re here.
COLE:
Okay. You ready?
JULIE:
Are you?
COLE:
Nope.
JULIE:
Figures. I hate this part. The pre-commitment phase.
COLE:
It’ll be fine…
JULIE:
I hope you’re right. I really do. I….I don’t want to do this. We don’t even know….
COLE:
Julie, we can’t sit here forever.
THE CAR DOORS open and close.
Outdoors, sounds of woods, birds, walking
JULIE:
You call Erin, let her know you’re out here?
COLE:
Who?
JULIE:
Erin, Cole. Your wife.
COLE:
Oh, yes. Said I’d be back later in the afternoon. The kids are going for ice cream. They
shouldn’t cause any trouble.
JULIE:
Hah. Now that’s optimistic. Looks like a path over there.
COLE:
Let’s go.
Music as we fade back to the podcast.
SCENE 3
COLE:
….and if you’re willing to take the drive, I think that Geauga County is really beautiful.
Especially at this time of year.
JULIE:
Leaf peeping season. Peep those leaves.
COLE:
I’m kind of partial to the spring…
JULIE:
Or as we call it in Ohio, mid-mud season.
COLE:
Sure but still. All the trees are starting to green, you can see baby animals, they tap the
maples….
JULIE:
Anyhow, we got an anonymous tip last week….
COLE:
As we often do…
JULIE:
And Loren, the verdict is…..….normal.
COLE:
Normal. Not paranormal, not weird, not exotic.
JULIE:
No aliens or sasquatches….
COLE:
Grassmen!
JULIE”
Just normal.
COLE:
So, to all our friends who mailed us about checking out the crazy happenings, stop,
pause, and heave a big sigh of relief. There is absolutely nothing to be concerned
about.
JULIE:
No jellyfish. Freaking big or otherwise.
COLE:
No invasion of albino deer.
JULIE:
And nothing unusual about the maples.
Sorry, Loren. Nothing useful at all.
COLE:
Now we do have a message from a listener in Zanesville.
ZANESVILLE VOICE:
Cole? Julie? Longtime fan. I’ve been seeing these floating lights on the side of I-70.
The last time they….
WE fade out with music, fade into outdoors, WE are back with COLE and JULIE in the woods.
SCENE 4
JULIE:
You’ll be lucky to get home by nightfall. That’s some sweat you’ve got going on...
COLE:
I need to get back to the gym.
JULIE:
Still at that fancy place.
COLE:
Not so fancy. Besides, money isn’t a problem.
JULIE:
You say that...
COLE:
What? Dad didn’t take care of you when you were gone?
JULIE:
Hey tried, I…...okay, okay. Something over there...
COLE:
You’re right. Weird.
JULIE:
Exactly.
COLE:
The trees are all turning except that clump over there.
JULIE:
Like a little green oasis.
They walk closer to check it out.
COLE:
Maples?
JULIE:
Maybe. Maybe. ( she sniffs) That smell...do you smell that?
COLE:
Yeah. SIckly sweet with….I don’t know what that is. Something rotten….something...
Sweet Lord...what’s wrong with these trees?
WE hear the trees crackling as sap pushes out..
JULIE:
Don’t touch them. The bark is split and the wood is pushing out…That sap….sap
shouldn’t be dripping out that fast. ( a pause) Or be moving up the trunk.
COLE:
Syrup doesn’t move like that.
JULIE:
They’re all maples.
COLE:
Maples. A perfect ring of maples. This must be the place.
JULIE:
You think?
JULIE takes in an audible breath and chokes.
JULIE:
That smell….oh man. Oh man. It’s so intense and….
COLE:
There’s something terribly wrong…
COLE:
Julie. Listen.
JULIE:
Someone’s coming. Get down. Down. NOW.
They scurry away and hide. Music transitions and fades to the interior of a diner.
SCENE 5
WAITRESS:
Can I getcha a refill.
COLE:
No thanks.
JULIE:
Keep it coming.
WAITRESS:
Do you need more time or do you want to wait for your…
JULIE:
I’d like the turkey-lurkey.
WAITRESS:
(Chuckling) That’s more of a kid’s menu thing…
JULIE:
Lady, c’mon. Turkey-lurkey.
WAITRESS:
Oh...okay.
COLE:
Turkey-lurkey?
JULIE:
Don’t you jump in, buddy-boy. I’m not having it.
COLE:
Sorry.
JULIE:
You should be sorry. Fainting away. What kind of weak shniz is that?
COLE:
It’s never happened before, I swear….
JULIE:
Sure, sure. I’ll be honest, it makes me a bit nervous about our next outing.
COLE:
Next?
JULIE:
Of course, dummy. I’m gone for two years and I handle it like a pro. You on the other
hand...
COLE:
Don’t start in on…
SID arrives.
SID:
Cole. Good to see you.
COLE:
Sid.
JULIE:
Great.
SID:
Hey, uh, coffee. Lots of cream.
WAITRESS:
Sure thing.
SID:
Julie, it’s nice to see you again under more pleasant circumastances. Funerals are
never the best places for introductions. If you don’t mind me saying you look….haggard.
JULIE:
Haggard.
SID:
Only way to describe it.
A beat.
So, you had an experience, I hear.
COLE:
That’s why we called. You always were helpful with dad…
JULIE:
Was he?
SID:
Hey, you want to split an omelette or something? Hashbrowns? Nothing? Okay.
So, you were out, digging about, taking a nature walk, and you came upon
something...odd. Maybe you can fill in some blanks for me.
WAITRESS:
Here you go.
SID:
Thanks. Could I get a Western omelette? Extra onions.
WAITRESS:
Sure thing. More coffee?
JULIE:
Keep it coming.
COLE takes in a deep breath.
COLE:
We were in Geauga County. We had a lead on a place. These trees, these maples
looked sick. Warped. The syrup….
SID:
Sap.
As Cole talks, the diner fades away and we hear his memories along side the story he and Julie are about to share with SId.
COLE:
Anyhow. We heard voices, so we ducked behind this rotten tree. There were maybe
ten of them. Old people. Seventy, eighty years. They stood in the middle of the trees
and they said…
They lay down and…The syrup. Sap. It wasn’t right. It smelled….like death and life
mixed together. I can’t really describe it but it made you feel...wrong. It’s the only way
to….anyhow. These old people they lay under the trees, the maples, heads by the
trunks and they opened their mouths, and the trees, the maples…
They moved. They dipped down and syrup just dripped, no flowed into the old people.
Filling their mouths, I don’t know how they breathed but the syrup kept moving,
crawling, into them, more and more...
JULIE:
That’s right about when you passed out.
COLE:
Um, yeah.
SID:
Passed out?
COLE:
It’s never happened before, I swear.
JULIE:
Anyhow, I’m trying to take care of Cole I can hear sounds: creaks. Pops. The old
people are shaking. Contorting. I don’t know if we should help them, or run, or scream.
Then the old people starting….peeling.
SID:
Peeling.
JULIE:
They peeled off their old skins, like rotten banana peels. That sound...And underneath.
New. Different. Young. They gathered the skins and left, laughing and singing.
The diner becomes apparent again…
COLE:
And then I’m in the car. She’s driving like the devil is right behind her. What do you think? Can you...can you help with this?
SID:
Yeah, sure. I think I could find people interested in this sort of stuff. I’ll need an address.
Have to get a crew together….
WAITRESS:
Your omelette.
SID:
Thank you kindly. Now friends, don’t worry. I’ll take care of the whole thing. I just need
the address….
We fade out of the restaurant to music we fade in to the voice of ALASTAIR.
SCENE 6
ALASTAIR:
“Hello friends,
Alastair Kurtz here, founder of the Cryptic. Our goal is to change the world -- with
knowledge. And you can help in this goal for knowledge by thinking, speaking, and
reading in thoughtful ways with family, neighbors, and all of our friends everywhere.
Please listen to my radio program where you will learn secrets that will change you,
forever…”
COLE:
That was our Dad, Alastair Kurtz, a truly great man. And our promise to you, dear
listeners, is to continue his fine work---to bring the illumination of knowledge to the
world. It’ll be hard with him gone but with your help we can find out the hidden truths
that fill our world.
This is Cole Kurtz.
JULIE:
And Julie Kurtz.
COLE:
See you next time and happy hunting.
Music takes us out
Narrator:
Cryptic is presented by Crooked Path Productions
And is produced and directed by Jeremiah Isley
Written by Adam Hoffman
Starring
Kristin Larsen as Julie Kurtz
Joshua Isley as Cole Kurtz
DJ Remark as Chuck
Craig Raymayley as Sid
Jeremiah Isley as Robert G
Michael Reardon as the Zev Zainsville
Alan Gerding as Alastair Kurtz
Jennifer Isley as the Waitress
Sound design, Foley and editing by Jeremiah Isley
Additional Foley by Benjamin Payne, Sarah Isley, Xavier Isley and Ralph Isley
Music by Corey Heddleston and Benjamin Payne
Executive Producer Jeremy Sneed
Please subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcatcher.
For more information, and up to the minute updates Visit our website crypticpodcast.com or
Follow us on Social media @CrypticPodcast
And for early access to new episodes, and exclusive merchandise
Become a patron of the show at Patreon.com/CrypticPodcast
And of course you can always call the Cryptic Hotline at 330-422-3839
Thank you for listening and happy hunting...
